Thursday, August 16, 2012

This is the week I become 70 - I have been examining my prospects through correspondence, with friends

Friend: "give me a real sense of just who you are today?"

MeWho am I today....a real sense of who am I today... Good question . I am probably the last person you want to ask. I could give you a list  of people to write and ask them . They would wonder why you should ask them .. What do they care?  I am like the little man behind the curtain managing all the levers .... The wizard of oz.. Making big banging banging noises full of grandiose gestures signifying nothing...I'm an act for sure...thinking I'm getting away with something while those around me are shaking their heads and laughing   a fool if you will who believes his act is working."

MeIn the previous note I sent a statement of it just a great riddle to pretend I understand for one moment my own if there is any significance at all in my being? Little man of no significance at 70 years of age...who time has passed by...counting the hours like little bread crumbs in a row...hoping a sign will reach out is still worth living and.....keep on keeping will all make sense in the future ..or I should think "do I dare disturb the universe?"...the riddle continues...the answers are evasive...are we all literally living in a big "joke"of no consequence?

Me: (continuing) Have you been depressed reading my past two notes? Don't be....take a look in your own mirror.. Is it... what you see is what you get?,.. Or are you on your way out...hurrying to your next time to ponder...of course that's the way to really live..keep busy and take lots of left turns... I live by taking left turns as many as i can.

Friend: Who you really are..........You are still the man of many moods and  insecurities, that require a different face for each image you wish to project. You are also a man who has grown deeply in the appreciation of all that Mother Nature has provided......the wonder of it all. Sleeping under a sky of a million stars can put in perspective the insignificance of one human being....and then sleeping in the arms of someone you love, and who loves you deeply, can put in perspective the IMPORTANCE OF ONE HUMAN BEING...I like the extremely intelligent man you are today.   I have wondered so many times what YOUR life was like while traveling from one place to another, working for different people, doing work, I assume, that was physically challenging to say the least.

I know you make friends easily, and am sure you did so at each stop along the way....but there must have been times of deep loneliness.

 I am still haunted at my imagined sight of you stopping your rig and releasing your horse into a unknown pasture....because he hurt you.

I have known this person for the past 54 years - it is the most cogent discussion between us - at least ... toward my direction. We have had previous discussions in that friend's direction.

Two things I love the most, good horses and beautiful women. and when I die I hope they tan this hide of mine and make it into a ladies riding saddle, so I can rest in peace between the two things I love the most

The influences in my life: 

Highland Park, Illinois 1942 - 1962
My Father
Jon - a friend
Miles Davis and Thelonious Monk 
William Guthrie - high school teacher
"The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock" - T.S. Elliot
Boston, Massachusetts 1962 -1969
Robert Sherburne - College Professor
Bob Dylan
LSD and other Hallucinogens 
Charlotteville, New York 1969 - 1996
Gail Peachin (expert at "Living in the moment")
Isaac and Lily Peachin (My Children)
Puccini's La Boheme
Mozart, Bach, Beethoven 
Sonny (Midnight Sun lineage) - my favorite horse
"The Road" (The Road Provides) 14 years 1996 - 2010
Will James, Sonny the Cow Horse
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Two psychoanalysts
The concept "Living without Design"
Loves gained - loves lost
La Nina Bonita - dog (Heeler)
Boise, Idaho 2010 -
Jackpot - dog (mostly Border Collie -trimmed)
 a spiritualist/Accupuncturist
                                            La Grande Poussée

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